bird cage

bird cage

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Flashback Graduation Day

On 26 November 2016, I was officially graduated. That day, i thought i will be very depressed because i did no attend the ceremony. I was not that very depressed but felt regretting. I'm the one who signs for not attend the ceremony but deep inside i wish to attend. Wearing the graduation gown and taking photos with my friends (which were fighting along with me these 4 years in the college.) The one and only one photo that  will be  taken together and i did not attend. 

Going back to the previous day before i  signed up for not attend the ceremony, because i felt so low self-esteem at that time. Everyone is getting jobs, moving on in their life. As for me, I felt so useless. Not getting a job, not doing anything by just laying around in my room for exactly half of the year. With these, i could not face them. As a matter of fact, i was really scared they asked me some question about my life. 'How's going?', 'Have you work yet?', 'What are you doing right now?' ...... These questions, i could not answer them. And that's how i missed the chance. Again, one and only one graduation photo. After a few days of the graduation, they made a gathering. Throughout the gathering, all i said was not all bullshitting but it just something that made me feel better. I did not lie about the i still not work yet and saying i'm learning video editing and stuff. That's kinda true but the real reason was not about learning things. Is was all because my stress and emotional thinking that stop me from moving on. I just can't tell them. Even now, nobody knows how i actual feel. By looking their facial expression, i know they look down on me. I know they think of me "Useless" and unrealistic thinking. And...yea, i feel that too... 

For the past few months, i feel like i am getting social anxiety.  The feeling of 'hatred' on people and the thought of people how they think of me. Until now i still feel that. However, i  do talk to a friend before, it seems like she doesn't believe me. Am i overthinking?  The feeling of frightening of people and crowd, nobody could understand. Do i... 
As days goes by day, i don't even know anymore. The feel of fear and people had made me this decision. And now, i'm regretting. Sorry for the off topic. Let's move on to the cake as shown below.



At the same day, i tried to make a whole strawberry shortcake. The appearance seems ok but the sponge cake and the whipped cream were actually a big failed. It still edible though. The sponge cake is kinda deflated during fold in the process, so the cake was so rough and dry. So was the whipped cream. I just don't understand how to stabilize the whipped cream and not being runny. And always, i couldn't get the consistency that i want. I had used the gelatine recipe but still, it melt so quick once you take it out from the fridge. I was planning the decorated the cake with some whipped cream, But, it seems failed. The taste overall is ok, and yet it did not meet my expectations. 

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